It’s a Fish Update: You Knew This Was Coming

Do you remember my fish post from last week? You know: that one?

Well, friends, meet Finn and R2. They recently moved in to replace–yep, replace–Gilbert and Rey. Gilbert is currently residing in a small tank at a local pet store in what will be a lifelong time-out because our beloved Rey is currently residing in, well…


Fish are fun.

Our cute little active Gilbert turned out to be a homicidal crazy fish. After we discovered that Rey had been forced to merge with the Force, if you know what I mean, thanks to Gilbert’s sudden and horrific Hannibal Lecter tendencies, we tried to replace her with another goldfish. But the instant we placed the new fish, Finn, in our tank with Gilbert–we tried, we really tried–Gilbert started chowing down on him like Finn was the day’s sashimi special.

The tiny psychopath had to go.

(I thought about throwing the sadist fish in the creek. It seemed the most, er, humane way of getting rid of Scary Fish. But on our pre-creek-dumping trip to the pet store, Quinlan announced our plan to Kind Employee Sean (“We’re going to throw him in the creek RIGHT after THIS!”) and Kind Employee Sean gently informed us that such a move is super illegal and horrible for the ecosystem. I am a bit mortified because a) I am really an idiot sometimes, and b) Sean at the pet store had recently told me–at my visit earlier that day, in fact, because I have been there so often the workers actually wave when they see me–that he appreciated my fishy ethics. He’d basically told me that I was one of them. I had a lot of pride in being one of the Fish People, and I swear I saw a little of the light in Sean’s eyes go out at the moment of Quinlan’s pronouncement. I let Sean down. I’m sorry, Sean.)

The pet store kindly adopted (aka saved him from death, aka saved me from Environment Jail) Gilbert from us, and we left him behind busy attacking a koi like the enraged lunatic he is. Twelve dollars later, we now have two new, vaguely depressed-looking calico fantails. Finn and R2 are beautiful, and possibly even dumber than the initial two fish, and when they’re not hiding behind the aquarium decorations in stupid fear, they’ve sort of fun to watch. Frankly, they might be kind of miserable: they’re fish, and they’re stuck in a 29-gallon tank for the rest of their tiny-brained lives, and it’s not like they’re about to turn cartwheels just to entertain us. Mainly they poop, but when they’re not pooping and hiding and skulking along the bottom of the tank, I’m happy enough to have them.

(What I really mean to say is that I have to be happy to have them. At this point anything else would just be surrender, and I cannot let the fish win.)Goldfish, Round 2. May the best mammal (DO YOU HEAR THAT FISH?) win. 




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