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Category: Grief

Ten Years

Yesterday marked the 10th anniversary of the day pancreatic cancer took my dad. It’s a marker I’ve thought about since the very beginning: where would we be at ten years? What would he have missed in that much time? What would we have missed? My dad is as real to me today as he was then. In all unembarrassed honesty, I miss him so much my chest aches. The death of a parent before anybody is ready creates this weird sort of outline where the person should be standing in your life. The outline of that lost person never goes away: it might fade, it might lose its edges a bit now and again, but it’s always there. Every dinner, every holiday, every milestone: the outline, standing there, empty where it should’ve been whole. I missed David’s dad’s anniversary a couple weeks ago (Yes, I just switched gears and mentioned David’s dad. April is a FUN month for our household). His was 9 years, and I hadn’t updated my calendar yet, and the day came and went until the evening, when David mentioned it…

If You Want to Kiss the Sky

So. Laundry, piled up in various stages around the house, so much so that I joked to my friend that SK was going to have to wear pajamas to school tomorrow because it was the only clean outfit she had. A daughter who won’t share with her sister, to the extent of shouting “Mine!” across a playground, to my absolute mortification. A grocery bill that was a little too high for your average family of four (c’mon, though, I shop at Wegman’s.  Is that really surprising?). Stepping into cat vomit, in bare feet.  Twice. A woman at our local farm market’s play area, who made fun of me for forgetting my child’s water cup, even though her own son just took a nosedive off of a haystack and came to me, crying, after he split his nose. Not having time to dry my hair. The pile of lumber currently residing on my family room rug, where David is in the end stages of fireplace mantle creation. The minor anxiety that is caused by timing a trip to the grocery store (yep, that one) after Quinn’s MyGym…

We’ll Try

David and I ran a 5K called PurpleStride this weekend, along with some very game family members who volunteered to push our children around–all 71 pounds of them, mind you–in a stroller on the coinciding walk.  The whole purpose was to raise funds and awareness for research to find a cure for pancreatic cancer. Only six percent of all people who are diagnosed with pancreatic cancer are alive five years later.  My father was not in this minority.  And the thing with pancreatic cancer is how little it’s discussed, how little money is funnelled to research.  Pancreatic cancer is seen as the lost cause.  I don’t like lost causes.  They annoy me. So we ran. And ran we did.  Holy Moses, that was the pits.  We didn’t find out till we got there that the course was cross-country.  I thought it was a mistake when I saw the start/finish line marked in the grass.  At the base of a hill.  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I told David.  “They’re joking, right?  This was supposed to be a fun run!&#8221…