Tip: if your daughter owns a doll–more specifically, a really expensive American Girl doll that Santa brought her for Christmas–don’t ever, ever, give your 13-month-old dog a chance to get into her room when you’re not around, lest your precious 5-year-old crawl into her bed one night, all comfy and happy and ready for a book, to discover that doll discarded on top of the covers, the legs mauled to stumps, pieces of feet scattered around the room like confetti. Don’t do that.
Tip: And whatever you do–WHATEVER YOU DO–if you lose your mind and let your sweet girl’s doll (you know, the one that was made to look exactly like her) get used as a chew toy by the deranged puppy–you terrible, terrible parent, you–please retain some semblance of common sense and not suggest that she accompany you to the UPS store to see you weigh the doll, measure it for a box, and then SHOVE IT INTO THE BOX to get carted into a scary-looking back room. And don’t think you’re being a good mom by asking if she’d like to give the doll a hug goodbye before the box is taped shut. Yes, she will back away from you, because you would to.
Tip: Later, if you’re making dinner, and if the recipe calls for 3 cups of flour and a cup of water to be thrown into the the food processor for the pizza dough, don’t think you’re going to be smart and double the amount you put in there (leftovers!). Because it’s a food processor, not an industrial-sized stand mixer, and you were not a math major for a reason.
Tip: Don’t stick your fingers into the food processor to dislodge the pizza dough when it gets stuck. You are smart enough to tell you children not to do this, so honestly: you’re being an idiot.
Tip: When you slice off part of your finger tip while digging a double batch of pizza dough out of the food processor, don’t consider going ahead with the making the pizza, even though there’s a piece of your body floating around in there, just because you’ve already committed and don’t want to quit now.
Tip: Please. Do not continue with the pizza making. It will not get any better from here.
Also: Food processors smell gross when they catch fire, which they will do if you still insist on trying to mix that double batch of dough. Keep an extinguisher handy. And maybe a candle. And in the future, if you throw a double batch of pizza dough into the processor (you won’t, because you’re pretty sure the machine is broken now) and it starts to smoke FOR PETE’S SAKE TURN IT OFF.
Tip: Don’t insist on making another dinner once you’ve sliced off appendages, filled your home with smoke, thrown out the ruined, body-part-filled dough and opened a bottle of wine, just because you found some cream in the fridge and pasta in the pantry and think mac ‘n’ cheese would be a good idea. It’s almost the kids’ bedtime. They just want Chick Fil A. Your husband does, too.
Finally: after all is said and done, take your own advice. Also, pour your husband a glass of the wine and open a window, because the house still smells like a car caught fire on the countertop. Tomorrow’s a new day. Now all you have to do is find out where the dog disappeared to and all will be well.
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